No Name Steak: An Ocarina of Time Parody
by Spoons
Summary: YAOI: Between a new kind of milk, a hopelessly naive fairy boy, and two easily . . . excitable men, how will poor Navi's sanity survive? The group is later joined by a cult favorite. Shiek:Link:Dark Link... beware of silliness ahead.


Skibz: ok... so the worst part of zelda in our opinions is the whole "look at me i'm a little fairy boy!" bit... so we're just gonna skip that part and go straight to the yummy adult link, ok? good... now that thats taken care of.. let the link/shiek(as a totally seperate person and fully male) goodness begin.

We begin our tale with Link haveing just turned into an adult.

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Disclaimer (Spoons): This is a collab fic between the authors Spoons and Skibz. We do not own Zelda . . . and I don't think that I need to go into what I'd do if I owned it. I think you can all use your imaginations. This is rated, uh, I'll decide that after I write this. Gawd, you guys, just look at the stupid bar up there that says what this is rated. I don't need to repeat it. Besides that, I think we're good. And only losers sue unprofessional authors.

And, yes, this IS in script format. I don't care what you say. it's easier and far better suited for spoofs and comedy.

Ps: Because is stupid, I have to use -blah- for actions instead of the usual starry things. I don't remember what they're called. So don't get confused and whine about it in a review.

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No Name Steak

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-Temple of Time

Link (having just appeared in a blue light, which reminds me of the stuff you flush down toilets to clean them . . . but, hey, I didn't make the game): Woooah. Hey, Navi? You okay?

Navi: Y-yeah. .

Link: Well, I guess we go find some temples now. -starts walking away-

Shiek: -materializes-

Link: Hmm . . . my video game plotline senses are tingling . . . -draws sword and whips around-

Shiek: The name's Shiek. Mmm, nice skirt, Hero.

Link: Thanks! -grins happily-

Navi: Woah. Who are you? Um . . . is that . . . a leotard? O.o

Shiek: . . . it's very tight. -shifty eyes-

Link: Um, you were going to say something?

Shiek: Right. There's a bunch of evil everywhere. And, yeah. You should go to Kakariko. They've got GREAT whore houses. And a certain treasure you need to get. I'm not going to say what, where, or how. But, just take my word for it. I'm sure, though, you already have a niiiiice treasure of your own. -grins pervertedly, but you can't see it 'cause of that annoying mummy-faced thing he's got going on-

Link: Huh?

Navi: Ugh. C'mon Link. Kakariko.

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-Lost Woods Temple Thingie

Link: Finally. X.x Those Moblins sure like to hurt people.

Navi: Well, maybe if you weren't so slow . . . -.-

Shiek: -drops out of the sky- O.o Ohh shit. That kinda hurt. Like my first time. Although that was with a dog, so it really doesn't couuu . . . did I say that out loud?

Link: Yeah, one would think jumping from up high would hurt.

Shiek: Pah. Now, then. Saria, as you can see, isn't here. She's inside the temple being tormented with whips and chains by monsters. In many ways, I can only imagine.

Link: Why aren't there any guards guarding the temple entrance, then? I mean, coudln't someone just walk right in?

Navi: Who knows.

Shiek: Now, then. Use the hookshot and enter the temple. I'll stand over here and watch.

Link: Aren't you going to show me a song?

Shiek: Hm? Well, I can think of a few other things I'd like to show you . . .

Navi: Forget it. Hookshot, Link.

Link: Oh, right. -uses hookshot and flies up into the air-

Shiek: -peeks under his skirt- Damn. I was almost expecting a thong. Nice ass, though.

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-Temple of Time

Link: -runs in- Why is no one ever here? Isn't this a temple? Where are the, uh, temple people?

Navi: Good job, Link.

Link: Thanks. -smiles-

Navi: -.-;

Shiek: Ah, you made it back. It was kind of lonely standing here all by my lonesome, lonely self. I'm a lonely man, Link.

Link: Well, yeah, you keep saying that. I think I get it.

Navi: So now what? Another temple?

Shiek: Yes. But first, see this pedestal behind me? if you put the master sword back, you'll travel seven years back in time and become a little boy again. Ahh, how I wish I could go with you . . . -grins pervertedly again-

Link: Aw, that's sweet, Shiek.

Navi: No, it's not.

Shiek: Not only that, but the sword will firmly stick straight up and-

Navi: So, where's the next temple?

Shiek: -glares- A volcano. A very hot volcano. You'll be sweating a lot, Link. Better go shirtless. Then again, clothing is an all together bad idea from this point on. I think you should-

Navi: Right. To Death Mountain. -glares at Shiek-

Shiek: -glares back-

Link: Um, okay.

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-Death Mountain

Link: I don't know about you, Navi, but I can't for the life of me tell the difference between male and female Gorons.

Navi: Well, that's good, seeing as how they wear no clothes.

Shiek: -falls out of the sky- Kinda makes you wonder how I got up there, doesn't it. Maybe my male parts sprouted wings.

Link: Yeah, how DID you get up there?

Navi: What is it now, Shiek?

Shiek: Friendship is a good thing, you know. Being friends with kids is especially fun. And, er, I guess I'm supposed to play you a few notes on my harp.

Navi: You play a HARP?

Shiek: And I stroke it gently when I sleep.

Navi: And you wear a leotard.

Shiek: Back to the song, then. Link, get out your ocarina. And get ready to blow like a-

Navi: Are you going to teach us the forest song, too?

Shiek: Hmmm... well... what are you going to do for me in return?

Link: Well what do you want?

Shiek: Well how badly do you want it?

Link: Ooo really, REALLY bad! Please Shiek!

Shiek: Would you do...anything?

Navi: LINK DON'T ANSWER THAT!

Link: But the Deku Tree always taught me to answer when someone asks you a question.

Navi: Yes well Link... I'm officially saying that you don't have to answer that scary mummy man over there.

Link: Over where? I don't see any scary mummy man.

Shiek: -clears throat- Annnnyways... how badly do you want it Link?

Link: Um, well I would do any-

Navi: STOP! You idiot. Just stop talking!

Shiek: -grumbles- Oh, if I had an empty bottle right now. If you want me to teach you the song... you're going to have to do...something for me...ahem I would like you to message my nuts.

Navi: Oh dear GOD! -faints-

Link: Massage your nuts? Why? Does that help them grow or something? I've never massaged my nuts before and I garden all the time.

Shiek: Oh but these are very . . . special nuts. A breed you've probably never even seen before!

Link: Oh, really? -jumps up and down- Oh please, Shiek! Show me your nuts!

Shiek: Oh...-ahem-... I think it would be best if you didn't see them... just ... petted them, you know?

Link: Ok!

Shiek: Now come closer, little boy! MUHAHAHAHA! -sweat drops- ... eh, sorry about that. Got a little... excited.

Link: Ok... so, where are your nuts?

Shiek: I keep them in a, uh, special pocket in my pants. Here... just stick your hand out and close your eyes and I'll guide you.

Link: Umm... oookay... closes eyes and sticks hand out boy these nuts of yours must be really important for you to keep them so secluded.

Shiek: Yes, Link. They sure are. Now. . . here . . .just slip your hand into my pants. . . Yes... ohh.. Link, just like that...

Link: These are the weirdest nuts I've ever felt. There soft... not hard... like a plum or something... and... they have hair all over them like coconuts... where did you find these? I want some too!

Shiek: -groans-... less talking more rubbing! AHHH!

Link: Shiek... are you alright? You sound like you're in pain or something. . .

Shiek: Ahh... no! Link, don't stop!

Link: But you're making all these funny noises and-

Shiek: If you stop now I'll never teach you the song!

Link: YES MISTER!

Navi: -groans- Urgh... my head... Link, what are you- LINK! GET YOUR HAND OUT OF SHIEK'S PANTS THIS INSTANT!

Link: But Navi...he said he wouldn't teach me the song if I didn't massage his secret nuts.

Navi: YOU IDIOT! DO AS I SAY RIGHT NOW!

Link: Oh, fine... but if we don't get the song it's all your fault.

Navi: -grumbles- And if you get molested by a half-mummified blonde man its all YOUR fault.

Link: -removes hand- Hey, Sheik... what's all this white stuff?

Shiek: Oh... thats. . mmmm.. just... umm...err.. what I mean to say is... thats...just... oh, I know! It's the juice that comes from the inside of this particular kind of nut.

Link/Navi: -horrified- (but for very different reasons)

Link: OH my GOD! I BROKE YOUR NUTS!

Navi: I wish.

Shiek: No.. no... umm... unlike coconuts.. or other, uh, nuts... umm... you don't need to break the nuts to get the seed out... err.. I mean milk... er I mean.. yeah...

Navi: -passes out on the ground again-

Link: ... So I didn't break your special nuts?

Shiek: No. All you did was release some of its milk.. .thats all.

Link: Well, if its milk can I drink it? I mean...is it poisonous?

Shiek: Oh no, not at all. In fact, the milk from my nuts tastes really good. Believe me, I've trie- ahh never mind.

Link: -licks fingers cautiously- Hmm... . .you know... it IS kinda good. It would taste much better with lamb and artichoke hearts, but...-slurp- I wouldn't recommend drinking it plain.

Shiek: -slightly hurt- Well, fine. You don't have to like it!

Navi: Oooogh, this can't be good for my brain cells. Eh . . . OH MY GOD! LINK!

Link: -with cum smeared all over his face- What?

Navi: Into the temple! NOW!

Link: But we didn't get the song yet. . .

Navi: I'll have SHIEK DARLING here e-mail it to you later! Now MARCH!

Link: Fine. -sulks away-

Shiek: You ruin all my fun, you know that, little naked fairy?

Navi: Yes, well, if you weren't trying to rape my partner here...

Shiek: -appalled- WHY, YOU . . .! I would never FORCE myself onto a boy!

Navi: Ahuh... just like you didn't force Link's hand down your pants?

Shiek: Hey! We had a deal! Fair and square!

Navi:... -glares- Stupid child molester.

Shiek: That's were you're wrong, tiny naked lady with oddly colored wings, ... Link hunny is ALL man.

Navi: Argh! -flies off to go find link-

Shiek: Wait! I'm supposed to accompany you!

Navi: Like hell!

Shiek: The sages said so. So there! -sticks out tongue, but, again, you can't see it behind the bandages-

Navi: Rrrr Fine! Just no touching!

Shiek: Trust me sweetheart, you're not my type.

Navi: I MEANT LINK! NO TOUCHING LINK!

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-Later in the Fire Temple

Navi: Link watch out! there are floormasters in this room (ie. those giant severed hands that run around on the floor and turn green and charge at you. You know.)

Shiek: Hmm... Link... you go on ahead... I'll take care of things here.

Link: Are you sure you'll be alright?

Shiek: Aww... your concern is touching, but I'll be fine.

Navi: Link, lets leave this perv.

-Link and Navi walk out the door-

Shiek: Oh flooooormasters! Come out come out where ever you are! -rips off clothes-

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several hours later

Shiek: AHHGHH . . . OHHH YES!... RIGHT THERE... OH MORE! MORE!

-Link and Navi walk in-

Link: Ok we beat the temple! Shiek? OH MY GOD THEY'RE ATTACKING SHIEK!

Shiek: -naked on the floor covered in floor masters- Wait! Link, NO!

Link: -draws sword- YAAAA I'LL SAVE YOOOU! -kills the floormasters-

Shiek: DAMNIT, LINK! I WAS SO CLOSE!

Link: So close to what? Death? I saved you.

Shiek: -sarcastic- Yes, link... DEATH!

Link: OH MY GOD NAVI! HELP! SHIEK IS SUICIDAL!

Shiek: Link! I'm not SUICIDAL! Now SHUT UP!

Navi: -.- Ohhh I've got a great idea! Why don't YOU shut up, Shiek! AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PUT YOUR FUCKING PANTS BACK ON BEFORE YOU POKE SOMEONE'S EYE OUT!

Link: Oh.. did a like-like come steal your clothes too? They do that to me all the time (Those monsters that look like big, tan and barf-colored blobs that suck you in and steal your shield and tunic)... but... if they stole your pants... then didn't they steal your nuts too?

Shiek: Umm... yes?

Link: NOOO! Navi! We've got to get Shiek's special nuts back!

Shiek: Er . . . nooo, the Like-Like threw them back up. It didn't like them.

Navi: My thoughts exactly. -.-

Link: So, you still have them?

Shiek: Yes. I, uh, put them in my head wrap.

Link: Oh, good. I was worried for a while there.

Navi: Okay. That's enough of "special nuts" for today.

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-In the Water Temple

Navi: God, this temple is huge.

Shiek: Like my special nuts, eh, Link?

Navi: -glares at Shiek-

Link: Actually, they weren't that big. Kinda on the small side, now that I think about it.

Shiek: -offended- Fine, then. Be that way.

-Link, Navi, and Shiek enter a large room with water on the floor and that funny dead tree in the middle-

Dark Link: Why, hello there, Hero of Time.

Navi: O.o Crap.

Shiek: Woah. He looks just like you, Link. But with black hair and clothes. And red eyes. And VERY nice tan skin. Mmm.

Link: Uhhh . . . hello?

Dark Link: I am your darkside, Dark Link. I'm everything you're not. -grins evily-

Navi: Ohh we're fucked.

Shiek: Hmm. Link? I'll take care of this "Dark Link". You go on ahead without me. -licks lips-

Dark Link: Hm. -checks him out- Yeah. That sounds good to me.

Link: Oh. Well, if you're both okay with that . . .

Sheik: Just leave Link!

Dark Link: Can't you tell when your not wanted kid? We grown-ups need a little alone time.

Shiek: -purrs at dark link-

Navi: LINK! OUT OF THE ROOM NOW!

Link: Why are you always yelling at me?

Navi: You'll thank me later. Trust me. Now GO! OR NO DESSERT TONIGHT!

Link: -pales- NO DESSERT? -runs out of the room-

Navi:...eh...-watches as dark link runs his tongue down Shiek's now bare chest. Lower... and lower... and lower-... ... my... brain... .

------------the following scene has been cut for its explicit nature... and for Navi's sanity-------

Link: -standing outside the room-... Man I wonder if they're done fighting yet... hmmm should I take a peek? But if Navi catches me then I don't get any dessert and tonight she's making apple pie, my favorite! But... one peek wont hurt right? She wont even notice... yeah . . . -begins to open the door- AHH what's that horrible smell?

-Navi staggers out of the room-

Navi: OH LINK I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER OPEN THE DOOR! GOOD BOY! YOUR SUCH A GOOD BOY! TWO PIECES OF PIE FOR YOU TONIGHT JUST CLOSE THE DOOR AND LETS GET OUT OF HERE!

Link: But... Shiek . . . is he okay?

Navi: He's fine... lets just go... -whimpers-

Link: Ok, but first I'll just let Shiek know we're leaving, k?

Navi: DO YOU WANT APPLE PIE OR NOT?

Link: Fine!... Geez... don't have a cow... you've watched me fight hundreds of times before.

Navi: ... Oh I give UP!

Link: Give up what?

Navi: YARGH!

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-Kakariko Village

Link: O.o . . . Everything's on fire . . .

Navi: Oh my god . . . we've got to help put it out!

Shiek: Hey there, guys. Thanks a lot for leaving me behind back there, Navi. -glares-

Dark Link: Yo.

Navi: What's HE doing here? Jeez, Shiek! You don't bring the bad guys along for the trip!

Shiek: Well, why not? He's certainly very skilled. In certain ways, I mean. Quite useful.

Navi: Horny Idiot.

Shiek: Tiny naked bitch.

Link: Um, guys? . . . Shouldn't we help put the fire out . . . ?

Dark Link: Naaaaah. It makes for a great romantic setting. I'm sure the villagers enjoy it on some level.

Link: They enjoy having their houses burnt down?

Dark Link: Exactly.

Navi: Let's just go to the temple.

Shiek: Ooh, and forget about putting out the fire? Why, Navi. I didn't know you had it in you.

Navi: Shut up. Link, temple, Now.

Link: But . . . . . the fire . . .

Navi: The villagers can take care of it. -they start walking-

Dark Link: I'm telling you, the fire's a big improvement.

Shiek: Ah. Are you a pyro, Dark Link?

Dark Link: Through and through, my sexy friend.

Shiek: Mmm. I like that in a man.

Navi: Move it, hornballs!

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-Shadow Temple

Dark Link: Ooh, I like this place.

Link: I don't. T.T

Navi: Quit being such a baby, Link. It's only a couple shriveled corpses that'll jump on you and suck your life out if you get too close. After petrifying you with their horrifying gaze first, of course.

Shiek: Hmmm. There seem to be some Gibdos over there, too.

Link: Can we leave now? TT.TT

Shiek: Well, since I don't want these nasty monsters to get you, Link, I'll stay behind and . . . take care of them for you. -winks at Dark Link-

Dark Link: Yeah, me too. You guys keep going. We'll catch up.

Navi: -.-; . . . whatever. Let's just go, Link.

Link: You guys are SO brave! I'll be back as soon as I can!

Shiek: Oh, no, take your time. We wouldn't want to rush things . . .

Navi: Hurry UP, Link! -Navi and Link leave-

Shiek: Okay, Dark Link. I'll take the Redeads. You can have Gibdos over there.

Dark Link: Right. Let's meet back here in an hour. -Make it two hours. Yeah. Mmmmm. Then we can switch.

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. . . some time later . . .

Link: Okaaay... we beat the temple! Shiek! Other me!

-Navi and Link step into the room-

Navi: O.o OH MY GOD! DEJA VOUS!

Link: Navi... what are they doing?

Navi: Close your eyes!

Link: But . . . why is Shiek naked ontop of a Redead? Is he in trouble?

Navi: ... Ahhh...ummm...you see . . . . ..crap. CLOSE YOUR EYES!

Link: Ok, ok! Geez. But at least tell me why my other self is naked on his hands and knees while a Gibdo does... well . . . what IS that Gibdo doing?

Navi: ARGH! I SHOULD NOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS!

Sheik: Um . . . Ahoy there Linky! Didn't -pant- see you there. -pant-

Link: What are you doing to that Redead? Is that a new special attack? Can I learn it too?

Shiek/Dark Link: Sure!

Dark Link: Just come over here and we'll show you. -perverted grin-

Navi: You will do NO SUCH THING!

Shiek: Dark Link...

Dark Link: I'm on it. Heheheh.

Navi: What? no! Don't come any closer! STOP! Hey! What are you doing! Heyy! You can't bottle me! I'm NAVI for christ's sake!

Dark Link: -corks bottle- Just watch me.

Shiek: Viola! No more annoying squeaky drabble!

Link: Uhh . . . ok, so what do I do to learn the move?

Shiek: Well first, before you learn the special attack, I think you should learn how it feels to the opponent. Just so you don't take using it too lightly... you know?

Link:...Well, I, uh, guess that makes sense . . .

Dark Link: Of course it does. Take off your pants. . . . . good. Now get on your hands and knees. Mmmm just like that. Now spread your legs apart... good boy. Now just close your eyes.

Link: Uhhm, okaaay.

Shiek: Oh can I take him first! Oh please, oh please!

Dark Link: Oh FINE! But be quick about it! It's been a long time since I've had someone so... innocent. -evil grin-

Shiek: Ok, Link ... get ready and take a deep breath. -positions himself in front of Link's... um . . . yeah-

Navi: -sound of jar shattering- STOOOOOOP! STOP IT RIGHT NOW OR I'M TELLING THE SAGES THAT YOU CORRUPTED THEIR HERO OF TIME!

Shiek: Damnit! Ah, but you forget that I'm the one who holds all the songs that the Hero of Time must learn to save Hyrule. So THERE!

Navi: And how would you like me to bite off your family jewels?

Shiek: You wouldn't!

Dark Link: Ohh I think she would.

Link: Jewels? Huh? You have jewels?... Man I wish my family had jewels. We just have a lot of flowers... and nuts... and sticks... and trees... and leaves... and-

Navi/Shiek/Dark Link: SHUT UP!

Navi: I'm never trusting you two with Link EVER!

Shiek: Like you did before. -glares-

Navi: -glares back-

Link: Can I get up yet?

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-Spirit Temple

Shiek: I've got sand in my bandages. T.T

Navi: Tough.

Link: Soo which way do we go?

Shiek: Ohhh. Um, I was going to take this opportunity to show Dark Link here some . . . ah, special moves for fighting Floormasters. Dark, if you'd come with me . . . -winks-

Dark Link: Lead the way.

Navi: Don't come back.

Link: Wait, I wanna learn some special moves, too!

Navi: NO! LINK, STAY HERE!

Link: Fiiiine.

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some time later

Link: Okay, NOW which way?

Navi: Um, we already tried left. Let's go straight this time.

Link: Okay. -they enter a large room- Hmm, nothing in here- Hey! It's a Like Like!

Navi: Go! Get it, Link!

Link: -charges at it and gets eaten- Ahhhhh!

Like Like: -spits Link out-

Link: My . . . clothes. T.T

Navi: Oh for the love of- just kill it an you'll get your clothes back! And hurry up. I don't want to see you naked any more than I've already had to. -.-

Link: Okay. -slices it-

Shiek: Owww! Damn it, that hurt!

Link: Oh my god! Shiek, are you okay? Navi! The Like Like had eaten Shiek!

Navi: -glares daggers at Shiek- You sick pervert. . .

Shiek: Hee. By the way, Link, that is one niiiiice manhood you've got there.

Link: Um . . . thanks? Navi, what's a manhood? Does he mean my hat?

Dark Link: Wow. -steps out from behind a pillar- That's almost sad. But cute, too.

Shiek: Aww it just makes you want to deflower him, doesn't it?

Link: Huh? But I don't have any flowers with me.

Dark Link: -pats Link's head- That's okay, kid. We'll figure something out.

Navi: As soon as we finish off Gannondorf, I'm SO going mosquito on both your asses.

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-Lonlon Ranch

Navi: Okay. Now remember, Link. We need to get you a horse. We probably should have done this earlier, but, whatever.

Dark Link: Do we really need one ot this point?

Shiek: Yeah. I mean, all we have left to do is kick Gannondorf's ass. Literally, if I have my way. -grins-

Link: I like that red one over there!

Malon: Hi, everyone! Welcome to Lonlon Ranch!

Dark Link: Uh, hi. Listen, we're taking that red horse over there.

Malon: Wait. You're . . . taking it?

Shiek: Yeah. You know, for save-the-world-and-screw-while-you're-at-it stuff.

Malon: Excuse me?

Navi: Both of you shut up! Malon, right? We'll bring the horse back when we're done.

Link: I want the red one!

Navi: I KNOW, Link.

Shiek: Well, I don't know about you guys, but I like that short one over there. Easy access and all. -nudges Dark link-

Dark Link: Ooh, I see what you mean.

Link: But mounting even a tall horse is no problem if you use the harness.

Shiek: No, no, Linky-poo. This is a different kind of, -ahem- mounting.

Link: It is?

Navi: NO MORE TALKING! Malon, we're taking the red one! Link! Go get the red horse!

Link: Yay! -runs off-

Malon: Wait! You can't just take-

Dark Link: -knocks her out with a shovel- Hey, I found this behind that shed over there.

Navi: Great timing, Dark. So you're good for something after all.

Shiek: I still think we should take the short one. Mmmm I'm getting hard just thinking about it.

Navi: No! LINK HURRY UP!

Shiek: But we can take both. . .

Dark Link: Yeah

Navi: LINK! MOVE IT!

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-Later That Evening At The Group's Campsite

Link: -is petting the horse- We never found out what this horse's name is.

Shiek: How about horsemeat?

Dark Link: Or HUGEDICK! XD

Navi: -slaps Dark Link- No more alcohol for you two!

Link: I wonder if it's a boy or a girl. . .

Shiek: I'm hoping it's both . . .-hic-

Navi: . . . . . . Ooooookay then. Link, I think it's time for bed. As for YOU two, you guys can sleep waaaay over there!

Dark Link: Awwww come on, -hic- sweetie. Don't be coy.

Navi: LINK! BED!

Link: I'm going! I'm going!

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time passes . . .

Link: zzzzzzzzzz -snort- special nuts . . . zzzzzzzzz

Navi: -is keeping watch over Link- Aaagh. Enough of the liquor... just get to bed, already!

Dark Link: -hic- Awww but mah bedsh cold... and theresh no one here ta warm it...

Shiek: I'll warm it! -jumps up and down and falls over-

Dark Link: Nope... no one... T.T

Shiek: Dark Link! I'll warm it! -hic-

Navi: Ugh. I'd never thought I'd say this, but let Shiek warm your fucking bed... just be sure to be done before Link wakes up.

Dark Link:... Shieksh great 'n all... but I, auhh... want somethink elsh tunight...

Navi: Why you- if you defile Link's brand new horse I swear I'll kill you.

Dark Link: Wull, horshes arn't JENERALLY my thing... howevr.. I can't shay the same fer shexy lil nakie blue fairies... -grins pervertedly-

Navi: O.o Oh my god. You're kidding me. THERE IS NOT A CHANCE IN HELL I'D SLEEP WITH YOU!

Dark Link: Weh-hell we're lucky we ain 'n hell then... hehehehe. -hic-

Navi: HEY! Get your PERVERTED paws off me this instant!

Dark Link: C'mon honey... don' be shy...

Navi: LINK! HELP! GET AWAY FROM ME YOU BASTARD!

-Dark Link, having grabbed navi, runs by a very happy Shiek fucking the brains out of Links new horse-

Navi: Shiek! Stop fucking Link's horse- AHHHH DARK LINK! STOP TOUCHING ME THERE! NO, SCRATCH THAT... STOP TOUCHING ME COMPLETELY!

Dark Link: Aww come on hun... ah know yoo want it... yer lil fairy body wants me.

Navi: YOU IDIOT! I'M LIKE 1/100TH THE SIZE OF YOU! GET IT THROUGH YOUR SKULL! IT WONT WORK!

Dark Link: Heh. Thatsh what yoo think -whips out secret special fairy fucking growth potion- jush wun swig 'a THIS an' you'll be life shize an' READY FOR ACTSHON!

Navi: YOU'RE INSANE!

Dark Link: -manages to force the drink down Navi's throat- Good girl... now jush relax.

Navi: -instantly grows to human size- ...ohh fuck. O.o

------the following scene has been censored for...ahh.. various reasons... ---------  
-Gannondorf's Castle

Dark Link: I Liiiike what 'ol Gannon's done with the place.

Navi: Shut up, you. I miss the old castle. And I DON'T approve of the pictures he has hanging up on the wall. -.-;

Link: Um . . . what's Gannondorf doing to that little girl?

Dark Link: Same as Navi and I did last night, mahahaha.

Navi: LINK! Don't look at that!

Link: Fine. Geez. Hey, Navi, you sure are flying funny tonight. What's wrong?

Dark Link: Ah yes, Navi. Tell him how you can't fly straight 'cause I fu-

Navi: BACK PROBLEMS! THAT'S ALL LINK! THATS ALL!

Dark Link: You knooow you liked it...

Shiek: There sure are a lot of statues around here. They're all of naked women, too.

Navi: -glares at Dark Link- Oh, what. They don't appeal to you, Shiek?

Shiek: No. But YOU'RE enjoying them, right Navi? They've got such nice, huge chests. I guess you like looking at what you'll never have.

Navi: O.o

Dark Link: -shakes head- Don't worry hun... XD I liked them just fine... bouncing wildly when I thrust my big hard manhood into your-

Navi: SHUT UP!

Shiek: You guys are cute.

Link: What IS a manhood?

Navi: Come ON, you guys! We've got to save Zelda!

Dark Link: Ahhh Zelda. What a whore. And so very tight at that...

Shiek: Yeah... one of the best lays I've ever had. With a woman, that is . . .

Navi: HOW DARE YOU INSUE THAT PRINCESS ZELDA WOULD DO SUCH A THING?

Dark Link: She's a princess. Not a saint.

Shiek: I hear she handcuffs her body guards to the bed and whips them while wearing tight leather bondage gear.

Dark Link: Really? We'll have to pay little Zelda a visit when this is all over with... I cant resist a woman with a whip.

Navi: Oh good GOD! Where's Gannondorf? Let's hurry up and finish this. For the sake of my sanity . . .

-Link, Navi, Dark Link, and Shiek enter a pitch black Gannondorf's chamber-

Female Voice: OH OH OHHHH! GANY! OH MORE GANY MORE! PLEASE! FUCK ME LIKE THE SLUT I AM! OHH UHHH OHH HARDER!

Male Voice: SAY MY NAME BITCH!

Female Voice: OH AHHH G-GREAT OOOOOH G-G-GANN-N-DO-DORF! UNGH! OH PLEASE! HARDER! FASTER! MORE!

Male Voice: WHO'S YOUR DADDY! WHO'S DA MAN!

Female Voice: YOU ARE GANY! YOU ARE!

Shiek/Dark Link/Link/Navi: . . . O.o

Link: Hey, I think I found a light switch. -flips on lights-

Navi: ZELDA? O.O

Shiek: Gannondorf, you dog! -chuckles-

Dark Link: Hey! I thought I was your only love slave! TT.TT -sniffle-

Gannondorf: Yargh! Ok ok! I don't want the Triforce, OK? All I wanted was a little piece of this Bee-ootiful ass i'm currently fucking!

Zelda: OHH GANY! UUUHN! DON'T STOP!

Shiek: Gany?

Gannondorf: Just get the fuck out!

Link: -dazed and really, REALLY confused- Zelda . . .?

Zelda: AHHH OHHH! AHHH MMMM MORE!

Link: Zelda... are you alright? O.o

Zelda: I'm AHHHH FINE! OOOOHH! MORE! OHHH! JUST AHH- LEAVE OK!

Link: ...But . . . -Navi pulls Link out of the room by his tunic collar as Dark Link and Shiek sit down on the floor in front of Gannondorf's bed with a big bowl of popcorn-

Navi: O.o . .. L-lets just go home, k? I'll make you all the apple pie you want! LETS JUST GO!

Link: ...-dreamily- all the apple pie I want... yumm... and... and... will you tell me what a manhood is? please Navi! PLEASE!

Navi:... I'll tell you what... I'll have the Dicku- I mean DEKU tree answer ALL your questions.

Link: YEAY! -skips out of the room-

Navi: -barfs in nearby corner before following-

Fin.

(Aftermath)

Dark Link: Went on to be mistaken for the Hero of Time wherever he went and sparked many an odd rumor about the poor fairy boy. He now lives in the Shadow Temple where he enjoys his many Redead and Gibdo playthings. Having never tried out the Floormasters while traveling with Shiek, he promptly bought some from e-bay and now keeps them in a special room he calls his "Love Den".

Link: He still has yet to learn what a "manhood" is. The boy now lives in Kokiri forest where he is among his own kind; innocent, naive children.

Navi: With Dark Link's night of pleasure fresh in her mind, she left Link to pursue and kill the perverted shadow to avenge her virtue. Having no luck whatsoever, she now works full-time as a lantern.

Shiek: Finally deciding that bandages were no longer in style, he traded them in at Hyrule Market for a set of authentic dominatrix gear which he now wears around in full view of the everyday public. He occasionally visits Dark Link in the Shadow Temple, but prefers to stay at home with his new wife, Link's horse.

Zelda: Fucked one too man evil villains and got multiple STD's which she soon died of. She became a Redead and happily serves as one of Dark Link's many playthings.

Gannondorf: Pursuing Shiek's promise of "the best suck of your life" Gany dearest got eaten by a Like Like and was never seen again. Shiek was later reported to have been seen exiting the evil king's castle with twelve of the forty explicit, pedophiliac pictures he kept on his walls.


End file.
